2010-10-24

Mommy Guilt

I think I finally understand why mothers are notorious for giving their children "guilt trips".  For the first few year of life (and I am sure for much longer after that) there are so many things that we can (and many of us do) feel guilty about.

This pregnancy is kicking my butt these days. I try not to complain much about it, I know how blessed I have been and how blessed I am, but right now its all I can do to stay awake and feel good.  I found out at my last appointment that I am "severely" anemic, my midwife made the comment that she was surprised I was even able to stay awake for the appointment (there was a nap involved earlier in the day to ensure that I would).  This is in no way a dire diagnosis, or anything threatening to me or the baby, and its very very treatable (iron pills twice a day and a reconsideration of my current diet), it also explains a lot, as this results in my being extremely tired, which I have no doubt is having a serious impact on my mood and ability to mother.

Earlier this spring and summer I was active with the boys.  We took walks to the playground and the library, trips to the zoo, outings with friends, and worked on our garden.  In the last couple of months it has been all I could do to wake up.   They have become used to me falling asleep on the couch after they have eaten breakfast. (Tommy actually told me the other day I don't have to apologize for falling asleep - I felt bad that he even felt like he had to say that).  And I know my patience has suffered - I am a lot less tolerant and quicker to anger - something 2 & 4 year old boys don't need.

Last Friday was almost a rock bottom type of day for me.  After having gotten a good nights sleep (seriously - fell asleep around 10 Thursday night and didn't get up until 7!!!) I couldn't keep myself awake. I lay on the couch in the playroom - and dozed on and off for the rest of the day.  Tommy was at preshcool, but poor little Jack just had to sit there and entertain himself, while mommy slept.  He was so good that day, woke me to tell me he was hungry at lunch time, let me lay him down for a nap when he needed it (which gave me a chance to sleep some more).  But by the end of the day, when I was actually awake, I couldn't help but feel bad.

Now, I am wracked with mommy guilt.  Feeling bad that I don't do nearly as much with my boys as I should.  Feeling bad that I rely on TV too often to keep them occupied.  Feeling especially bad for Jack, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays its just the two of us at home.  Other than trips to the store, we are no longer doing any fun outings or any fun projects at home.  Feeling like I am letting them down.

Yup bring on the mommy guilt.

I am hoping that the iron pills help and I am trying to retrain my body to sleep at a decent time at night.  I hope I can find my way back to the mother I used to be, find a little more patience and a little more energy and joy.  Until then though, I will sleep, feel guilty (and pack some of that guilt away to pass along to my boys in the form of guilt trips as they get older...)

4 comments:

  1. {{hugs}} I hope you feel better soon.

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  2. Don't be so hard on yourself. Your boys will remember the trips to the zoo and fun playdates. They won't remember Mommy being so tired.

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  3. I know your pain... I am still suffering with my anemia and low blood pressure... 2 years later! It is so hard some days, but the iron does help. the boys will make it through the next few weeks just fine, and most likely not remember anything too awful.

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  4. I'm glad you found out the root cause. That is terrible that it took so long. You're lucky your boys can handle you sleeping. Nate would get into so much trouble. I can never be asleep if he is awake, it just wouldn't be safe.

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